Authentic

I can not believe how fast this year has gone by. It is December already! It seems like just yesterday I started my blog; full of determination and ready to make some changes in my life. Blah, Blah, Blah!
The fact is I started this year full of hurt and anger; hurt about a relationship gone wrong and angry because I allowed myself to be taken for granted, AGAIN. So I set out on this "I'm gonna show this Mutha F$% mission". A mission that left me deeper in despair and full of regret. A mission that had no direction and therefore would only lead to that wonderful place called NOWHERE LAND!
Needless to say I didn't reach the goals I'd set for myself (dramatic weight loss, finished book and Phabolous New Lifestyle). Why? Because I was too consumed by hating him. As if he even cared. LOL! I can laugh now because I realize how ridiculous I have been. It takes an extreme amount of time and energy hating someone, not forgiving them and trying to get revenge. Energy that can be better spent LIVING! Talk about your AHA! Moments!
I spent my Thanksgiving Vacation relaxing; browsing the internet, listening to music, writing and watching movies. I finally got around to watching Eat, Pray, Love with Julia Roberts. OMG! Loved it as much as I loved the book. The message in the movie was clear....CHANGE. One of the most profound statements had to do with relationships.

" Sometimes we spend our lives with someone being miserable just so we don't have to be Apart".

Who does that? Me....you and so many other people we know. We stay in relationships, on jobs and in situations rather than deal with the what ifs that come when we walk away. We stay in relationships with people that will never be able to rise up and meet us. We settle into the mediocrity of just enough. Dealing with people that will never be able to lift us into our hopes, our dreams and our aspirations. Miserable Rather Than Alone!!! Hmmm! What's so bad about being Alone; taking comfort in our own presence? How can I expect anyone to want to be with me when I can't stand being with myself? Wow!!

I've wasted so many years in miserable relationships in an effort to not be alone. Thinking that somehow the lonliness of solitude would engulf me and swallow me whole. Settling. It pisses me off when I think about it. Settling for misery because I am afraid of change. Afraid of everything crumbling into ruins.

But perhaps the ruins is the gift. The Road to transformation. It is not until we are Broken that we realize our ability to fight, to endure, to rise, to triumph and start again. It is in the ruins that we find out who we are and become who we were meant to be; our Authentic Selves.

So my prayers have changed dramatically since last year: "God Who Am I? How long must I dwell in the ruins, sift through the trash and misgivings of life to find My True Self? Lord I want to be My Authentic Self! I want to know her, breath her in, take on her scent, live through her, love through her....Lord I want to be her! If she is me and I am her, why haven't we met? Why is she so allusive? I think it's time we became friends. Amen

 A Phabolous Thought: "We must always be prepared for endless waves of Tranformation"

The Road Ahead

I know it's been a while since my last blog, a month to be exact. I must admit I've missed pouring my heart out to anyone who would listen. Writing is, as  it always has been, very therapeutic for me. So why stop? Life...life kinda got in the way. And I needed to step back for a minute and do some serious Soul Searching. Trying to figure out when and where I lost track of myself, my dreams, and my life in general. I find that I am very frustrated right now. Frustrated because I feel like I've wasted so much valuable time running away from myself.

I've come to the conclusion that I've never taken the time to get to know myself. I've discovered that I've followed a road and lead a journey that was not meant for me. The funny part about it is that I can't say I was given the wrong directions, I simply chose to follow the road most traveled and take the easiest route. My awakening is so surreal and sobering that I wonder why it took 38 years to arrive here.  
I'm stressed, honestly. I am financially, spiritually, emotionally and physically exhausted. The weight that I carry is just a manifestation of everything that is going on in my life. Food is my crack and right now I'm getting blazed in an effort to forget about all of the shit that is going wrong. When I'm not getting high(eating), I get pissed off. Because surely I did not do this to myself. But at the end of the day...the reality of it is, I DID IT TO MYSELF! I've lived above my means trying to Keep Up with the Jones, who by the way just filed bankruptcy, LOL! I did not nurture and protect my relationship with God. I let people into my life that were not good for me and I did not take care of me...period. WOOSHHH!
Now here I stand 38 years old, finally pulling out my Life Map, seeing the need to make a U turn, letting go of most of the baggage I've acquired along the way, and heading straight for the Starting Line. Yes the starting line! So surreal...yet so refreshing. I feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I've made some really tough decisions. Decisions that are going to change my life dramatically for the better. From the outside looking in it may seem like I am regressing and I'm fine with people thinking what they want to think. That has been my problem for too many years; worrying about what other people think. People that are more than likely in the same situation, looking for a way out.  So let them call it regressing. I call it De-Stressing. Letting go of the unnecessary so I can find peace and move forward.

How liberating it is to Discover yourself...how Phabolous to realize that even at 38 you can begin again. I'm still pissed because I wish my awakening had come sooner. But they say 30 is the new 20 so I guess I'm only 28.
So funny because in January when I started this blog all I really wanted was to look phabolous. You know, wear the right belt with the right bag. I never thought for one minute my greatest PHAB FIND would be my peace of mind.

Skinny Jeans

I believe that no matter how thick or thin you may be, every woman needs to have a pair of skinny jeans. Wait! Let me clarify myself by saying I am not talking about those tiny, pencil legged, jeans that should only be worn by the extremely thin and very tall. No, no, NO! I am referring to that pair of jeans that hugs your body in all the right places, lifts your booty and makes you look and feel like a million dollars every time you slip them on. The jeans you talk about getting back into when you've put on a few extra pounds. They may be a size 10, 16 or even a size 22. They could be a pair of old, relaxed fit Levis or a trendy pair of Seven jeans....whatever they are, you know that when you put them on you look GOOD! Your stance, your walk, hell your entire demeanor changes when you have them on. Because you are WHAT! A stunna, lol. At least that's what you think and that's all that really matters.

My upcoming trip to New Orleans  has me shopping like a mad woman! So much so that on Saturday I found it necessary to take some time to do a little closet inventory to access what I have and what I REALLY need. Because at the end of the day... it's a 3 day trip people. How many pairs of sandles and capris do I really need?

So there I was, standing in front of my closet piecing together outfits. And low and behold I run across my SKINNY JEANS. Jesus.... I said Sweet Jesus! How I love these jeans; nice, dark- washed, bootcut with just the right amount of stretch. You'd have to kill me before you could tell me I didn't look good in them. I haven't had them on my body in at least 3 years...What the Hell!

 It's going to take miles and miles of walking, several thousand crunches, some butter, 4 prayer warriors and team of professional movers but I promise you those jeans are making their way to New Orleans. After further accessment I realized I have several items in my closet with tags still attached. Clothes I've purchased a couple sizes too small to use as diet incentives. All clothes that should be traveling to New Orleans in July. That is, If I get my mind right and drop a few pounds.

I pulled my Skinny Jeans out this morning and hugged them close and whispered "I'll see you in the French Quarters".  I threw them over my closet door so I could look at them everyday and remember how good I felt when I had them on and how wonderful I'm going to look when I wear them again in New Orleans. 

The Bucket List

I often speak about the kind of life I want to enjoy; the family vacations, the girlfriend getaways and me retreats. I SPEAK about it often but very seldom do I afford myself such luxuries. I have been working since I was 17 years old. I've been a successful entrepreneur for over 10 years; grinding daily to build my business and secure the lifestyle I've become accustomed to. While I have enjoyed the freedom and security that comes along with owning your own business, I have also suffered many of the consequences. The most obvious and perhaps most damaging being very few opportunities to take off, relax and regroup. All work and very little time to play has made Lisa a very UNHAPPY CAMPER!
What is it all for, when you work your behind off and neglect to enjoy the fruits of your labor? Who really wants to work just to simply survive? Life is meant to enjoy.

I made up my mind this year that I was going to start traveling....exploring my city, my country and the world I live in. There is so much out there to experience and I refuse to miss out on all that this life has to offer. 

So I created a "Bucket List". Now for those of you who have not seen this excellent film starring, Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson it is a must see, thought provoking movie. In the movie Morgan's character finds out he is dying and decides to create a list of everything he wants to do before he passes away or Kicks the Bucket. Which raises the question: Why does it take the threat of death for some of us to figure out We should be living? Crazy huh?
I'm ashamed to admit it but that has been me for far too long. On the other hand I'm happy to annouce that I will no longer be a benchwarmer on the sidelines of Life. I will not wait until I'm stricken with illness or given X amount of time to live before I decide to do what I should have been doing all along, Living! My Bucket List will not be a last attempt at life before an impending death but rather a celebration of my rebirth.
What began as a list of 10 places to go, things to do and goals to accomplish has expanded into a Heavenly Grant of obtainable Blessings and Gifts that I know my Father will one day give me; The Desires of my heart. I started the list one Sunday while sitting in church. By the end of service I was overwhelmed by how much I wanted: 1. Shop on Rodeo Drive 2. Walk Along the Black Beaches of Africa 3. Earn a PHD 4. Attend a play on Broadway 5. Empower someone to Change their Life. The list goes on forever but yet nothing on it seems far fetched.

The journey has just begun, there is so much living, loving and growing to be done; so many Phabolous years ahead. And I'm not letting another minute pass me by. First Stop... The Essence Festival in New Orleans in July. I've gathered my traveling companions, booked my room and now I'm simply counting the days. One thing I know for sure is I plan to dance like I'm 20, laugh like a school girl and party like a Rock Star.

Standing In The Need of Prayer

                                 It's me, It's me, It's me Oh Lord
                                 Standing in the need of Prayer
                           STANDING IN THE NEED OF PRAYER

Somehow at the beginning of all of this I thought it would be so much easier. I really thought I had it all figured out. Starting over seemed so simple. All I had to do was wipe away the bad things, detox my life, cleanse my spirit and begin again. Let me be the first to say....This Sh:t ain't easy and on most days I feel like I'm in the fight of my life. Struggling to keep it all together, struggling to stay afloat...just struggling.
It is very hard to find your inner Diva when life is kicking your ass. What I will say is that despite my bad days, I still look forward to completing this journey. I really can not predict where I will be in the next 9 months but I know I will be a different woman than I was when I began. These first 3 months have been extremely hard but very revealing. I've learned that I am only 1/2 as weak as I thought I was and not nearly as strong as I was pretending to be.
Funny....when you strip away the bull that clutters your life and stand naked in front of the mirror of  reality; you see yourself for who you really are. The reality of it is that I need help. Despite my "I can do it by myself" resolve at the beginning of the year, I started turning to my friends and love ones and asking for help. I've started asking the people that I know pray to Pray for Me, pray for my health and pray for my journey. It has been very humbling and eye opening. You find out who really loves you and has your best interest at heart when you ask them for help. Most will say yes "I'll help you and I'll pray for you", but watch how many truly follow through. How many will call and encourage you, inquire about your successes and failures; knock on your door and pull you out of your house and out of your slump? How many REALLY want to see you reach your goals? How many can handle you living a Phabolous Life?
Let's just say the truth has no problem revealing itself when you seek it. More importantly when you open yourself up and reveal your truth; people can better understand you and your needs and PRAY for you. Yes the journey has been hard and its had its ups and downs but I can appreciate every bump and bruise I've acquired thus far. I look forward to the smooth roads ahead as I continue to navigate around the potholes of life, STILL FIT TO BE PHABOLOUS!

21 DAYS

I have issues with food. If I am to be completely honest with myself, I've always had issues with food and I'm sure I always will to some degree. It is the way I cope with the Ups and Downs of life. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm depressed, I eat. When I'm angry, pissed, happy, in or out of love, I eat. I am an emotional eater and since I am always filled with some form of emotion, I am always looking for something good to eat.

The messed up part about being a food addict is that unlike the drug addict or the alcoholic, food MUST be a daily part of my life. I cannot simply go through a 12 step program, turn my back on food and walk away. A food addict has to face their demons daily. And until you've stood in front of the refrigerator at 2 in the morning trying to decide between pancakes or potato salad, only to end up eating both; you cannot imagine how hard it is for a food addict to lose weight.

That being said, I am struggling right now. I am trying SO VERY hard to wrap my head around this whole diet and exercise thing and it is literally kicking my ass. Truthfully, every day I start out on my program. Some days are better than others. Then there are those days that are JUST the WORST. The mornings start off pretty good but then around lunch time, after the day has become frustrating because the phone has been ringing off the hook, my students are running around not listening and I've fallen behind schedule...All I want is something sweet and delightful to calm my nerves. I need a HIT! WTH! It's so weird because I know exactly when I'm beginning to crash. I start this internal dialogue with myself. Trying to justify whatever I've set my sights on eating. "I can start over fresh in the morning" or "I can just work out extra hard in the morning". But what it all boils down to is that once again I've relinquised control. I've given something that has absolutely NO Power... Power and Control over me. HELP!

Being that I am dealing with an Addiction, I feel the need to take extreme measures. If it were up to me I would love to be locked in a room and made to shake and sweat for about 60 days, like Pookie on New Jack City. But since I know that's not about to happen and I know that I cannot cut out food completely; I feel I should at least cut out my trigger foods.
My Pastor once said that if you do something consistantly for 21 days it becomes habit and can then easily be continued. So I plan to give up sugar, bread, starch and all the other WHITES for 21 days. I also plan to workout for 21 days straight without break, Yes even on Saturday and Sunday. Extreme...please not as extreme as eating yourself to death. It surely isn't nearly as extreme as having a stroke because of high blood pressure or losing a limb because of diabetes. This is my life I'm talking about, extreme is all I have left. Wish me LUCK!

Who's Swag Is It Anyway?

It's been a few days since my last blog; honestly I've had writers block. However I refuse to bombard you with mindless jibber that lacks substance. So rather than just putting something out there into the universe in order to say "I blogged today", I will wait until I have something significant to share. Ugh! This is something I have been struggling with for about a month. When I started my blog I spoke of a 365 day journey which in its self implied that I would be blogging everyday. And in the beginning I did without fail. In the beginning I was filled with a ton of emotions. I had so much bottled up inside me and so much to say, that once day was not even enough. I still have alot to say, but now the work of the journey has begun and the frequency of my blogging may not be as often. But I promise you that if you bare with the shifting that is going on in my life, you will not be disappointed. I will continue to be as raw and honest with you as I have been in the past. Giving you all of me as I search for the Best IN ME!

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I want to talk about something that has been gnawing at me for about a week or so. In the beginning of the year I was confronted with a situation that made me question my own sense of style and my overall look. As you know initially the entire permise of my journey was built around discovering my inner diva, or finding my SWAG! Because of that, I spend alot of time WATCHING...or perhaps you can call it RESEARCHING. I pay close attention to the style and Swagger of not only the women in my circle but also to everyday people I encounter on the street. My findings: Swag is all about individual style. You can be a quirky, eclectic misfit or a completely conservative, classic business woman and still have swagger. By definition Swagger is confidence, an air of self assurance. It is the belief in one's self and the ability to project that confidence into the atmosphere. Your swagger is your stance, your posture and your  presence. It is the ultimate statement of Who you are.
Your style is what you make of it and how well you pull it off. You can not pull off a great look that is not yours. If your feet are on fire because you're wearing heels or you're constantly tugging and pulling because you have been talked into wearing something short and revealing; you are not going to feel confident. Which means you have defeated yourself off the rip by robbing your own swag.
Example: Two equally beautiful women can enter a room wearing identical looks from head to toe, but if one woman lacks the confidence needed to carry the look off, then it really doesn't matter what she's wearing; no one's going to notice her.
So you can not MOCK someone else's swagger. What you must do is find and master your own. First by building your confidence and establishing a clear conscience of Who you are and what you want the world to see when they look at you, what they hear when they speak to you and what they remember when you walk away.