Standing In The Need of Prayer

                                 It's me, It's me, It's me Oh Lord
                                 Standing in the need of Prayer
                           STANDING IN THE NEED OF PRAYER

Somehow at the beginning of all of this I thought it would be so much easier. I really thought I had it all figured out. Starting over seemed so simple. All I had to do was wipe away the bad things, detox my life, cleanse my spirit and begin again. Let me be the first to say....This Sh:t ain't easy and on most days I feel like I'm in the fight of my life. Struggling to keep it all together, struggling to stay afloat...just struggling.
It is very hard to find your inner Diva when life is kicking your ass. What I will say is that despite my bad days, I still look forward to completing this journey. I really can not predict where I will be in the next 9 months but I know I will be a different woman than I was when I began. These first 3 months have been extremely hard but very revealing. I've learned that I am only 1/2 as weak as I thought I was and not nearly as strong as I was pretending to be.
Funny....when you strip away the bull that clutters your life and stand naked in front of the mirror of  reality; you see yourself for who you really are. The reality of it is that I need help. Despite my "I can do it by myself" resolve at the beginning of the year, I started turning to my friends and love ones and asking for help. I've started asking the people that I know pray to Pray for Me, pray for my health and pray for my journey. It has been very humbling and eye opening. You find out who really loves you and has your best interest at heart when you ask them for help. Most will say yes "I'll help you and I'll pray for you", but watch how many truly follow through. How many will call and encourage you, inquire about your successes and failures; knock on your door and pull you out of your house and out of your slump? How many REALLY want to see you reach your goals? How many can handle you living a Phabolous Life?
Let's just say the truth has no problem revealing itself when you seek it. More importantly when you open yourself up and reveal your truth; people can better understand you and your needs and PRAY for you. Yes the journey has been hard and its had its ups and downs but I can appreciate every bump and bruise I've acquired thus far. I look forward to the smooth roads ahead as I continue to navigate around the potholes of life, STILL FIT TO BE PHABOLOUS!

21 DAYS

I have issues with food. If I am to be completely honest with myself, I've always had issues with food and I'm sure I always will to some degree. It is the way I cope with the Ups and Downs of life. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm depressed, I eat. When I'm angry, pissed, happy, in or out of love, I eat. I am an emotional eater and since I am always filled with some form of emotion, I am always looking for something good to eat.

The messed up part about being a food addict is that unlike the drug addict or the alcoholic, food MUST be a daily part of my life. I cannot simply go through a 12 step program, turn my back on food and walk away. A food addict has to face their demons daily. And until you've stood in front of the refrigerator at 2 in the morning trying to decide between pancakes or potato salad, only to end up eating both; you cannot imagine how hard it is for a food addict to lose weight.

That being said, I am struggling right now. I am trying SO VERY hard to wrap my head around this whole diet and exercise thing and it is literally kicking my ass. Truthfully, every day I start out on my program. Some days are better than others. Then there are those days that are JUST the WORST. The mornings start off pretty good but then around lunch time, after the day has become frustrating because the phone has been ringing off the hook, my students are running around not listening and I've fallen behind schedule...All I want is something sweet and delightful to calm my nerves. I need a HIT! WTH! It's so weird because I know exactly when I'm beginning to crash. I start this internal dialogue with myself. Trying to justify whatever I've set my sights on eating. "I can start over fresh in the morning" or "I can just work out extra hard in the morning". But what it all boils down to is that once again I've relinquised control. I've given something that has absolutely NO Power... Power and Control over me. HELP!

Being that I am dealing with an Addiction, I feel the need to take extreme measures. If it were up to me I would love to be locked in a room and made to shake and sweat for about 60 days, like Pookie on New Jack City. But since I know that's not about to happen and I know that I cannot cut out food completely; I feel I should at least cut out my trigger foods.
My Pastor once said that if you do something consistantly for 21 days it becomes habit and can then easily be continued. So I plan to give up sugar, bread, starch and all the other WHITES for 21 days. I also plan to workout for 21 days straight without break, Yes even on Saturday and Sunday. Extreme...please not as extreme as eating yourself to death. It surely isn't nearly as extreme as having a stroke because of high blood pressure or losing a limb because of diabetes. This is my life I'm talking about, extreme is all I have left. Wish me LUCK!

Who's Swag Is It Anyway?

It's been a few days since my last blog; honestly I've had writers block. However I refuse to bombard you with mindless jibber that lacks substance. So rather than just putting something out there into the universe in order to say "I blogged today", I will wait until I have something significant to share. Ugh! This is something I have been struggling with for about a month. When I started my blog I spoke of a 365 day journey which in its self implied that I would be blogging everyday. And in the beginning I did without fail. In the beginning I was filled with a ton of emotions. I had so much bottled up inside me and so much to say, that once day was not even enough. I still have alot to say, but now the work of the journey has begun and the frequency of my blogging may not be as often. But I promise you that if you bare with the shifting that is going on in my life, you will not be disappointed. I will continue to be as raw and honest with you as I have been in the past. Giving you all of me as I search for the Best IN ME!

Now that I've gotten that out of the way, I want to talk about something that has been gnawing at me for about a week or so. In the beginning of the year I was confronted with a situation that made me question my own sense of style and my overall look. As you know initially the entire permise of my journey was built around discovering my inner diva, or finding my SWAG! Because of that, I spend alot of time WATCHING...or perhaps you can call it RESEARCHING. I pay close attention to the style and Swagger of not only the women in my circle but also to everyday people I encounter on the street. My findings: Swag is all about individual style. You can be a quirky, eclectic misfit or a completely conservative, classic business woman and still have swagger. By definition Swagger is confidence, an air of self assurance. It is the belief in one's self and the ability to project that confidence into the atmosphere. Your swagger is your stance, your posture and your  presence. It is the ultimate statement of Who you are.
Your style is what you make of it and how well you pull it off. You can not pull off a great look that is not yours. If your feet are on fire because you're wearing heels or you're constantly tugging and pulling because you have been talked into wearing something short and revealing; you are not going to feel confident. Which means you have defeated yourself off the rip by robbing your own swag.
Example: Two equally beautiful women can enter a room wearing identical looks from head to toe, but if one woman lacks the confidence needed to carry the look off, then it really doesn't matter what she's wearing; no one's going to notice her.
So you can not MOCK someone else's swagger. What you must do is find and master your own. First by building your confidence and establishing a clear conscience of Who you are and what you want the world to see when they look at you, what they hear when they speak to you and what they remember when you walk away.

Laughing Out Loud

I have worked with children for over 20 years now. Through the years I have touched the lives of hundred of young scholars, educating them and giving them the social skills needed to embark on the rest of their academic careers. All the while learning from them one simple truth...there is joy in the simpliest of things. Happiness can be found in the hardest of times and laughter is like therapy for the heart. There is something to be said about the ability to Laugh out Loud. The mere thought of throwing your head back and laughing so the world can hear brings a smile to your face.
I am entering the 3rd month of my year long journey/transformation. Along the way I have had several set backs coupled with times of utter despair. Through the struggles and the tears I've managed to find solitude and refuge in the laughter of my little ones. Their laughter is infectious and highly contagious. I've learned that even the ugliest of situations can be turned around if I just take the time to look on the bright side of things and laugh. Knowing always that Most things are not as Bad as they seem and Nothing is as Good as It GETS.
So Smile...better yet laugh! And if you can't find anything new to laugh about, reminisce about lighter days and better times. Whatever you do rejoice and know that as promised:   JOY COMETH IN THE MORNING!