21 DAYS

I have issues with food. If I am to be completely honest with myself, I've always had issues with food and I'm sure I always will to some degree. It is the way I cope with the Ups and Downs of life. When I'm sad, I eat. When I'm depressed, I eat. When I'm angry, pissed, happy, in or out of love, I eat. I am an emotional eater and since I am always filled with some form of emotion, I am always looking for something good to eat.

The messed up part about being a food addict is that unlike the drug addict or the alcoholic, food MUST be a daily part of my life. I cannot simply go through a 12 step program, turn my back on food and walk away. A food addict has to face their demons daily. And until you've stood in front of the refrigerator at 2 in the morning trying to decide between pancakes or potato salad, only to end up eating both; you cannot imagine how hard it is for a food addict to lose weight.

That being said, I am struggling right now. I am trying SO VERY hard to wrap my head around this whole diet and exercise thing and it is literally kicking my ass. Truthfully, every day I start out on my program. Some days are better than others. Then there are those days that are JUST the WORST. The mornings start off pretty good but then around lunch time, after the day has become frustrating because the phone has been ringing off the hook, my students are running around not listening and I've fallen behind schedule...All I want is something sweet and delightful to calm my nerves. I need a HIT! WTH! It's so weird because I know exactly when I'm beginning to crash. I start this internal dialogue with myself. Trying to justify whatever I've set my sights on eating. "I can start over fresh in the morning" or "I can just work out extra hard in the morning". But what it all boils down to is that once again I've relinquised control. I've given something that has absolutely NO Power... Power and Control over me. HELP!

Being that I am dealing with an Addiction, I feel the need to take extreme measures. If it were up to me I would love to be locked in a room and made to shake and sweat for about 60 days, like Pookie on New Jack City. But since I know that's not about to happen and I know that I cannot cut out food completely; I feel I should at least cut out my trigger foods.
My Pastor once said that if you do something consistantly for 21 days it becomes habit and can then easily be continued. So I plan to give up sugar, bread, starch and all the other WHITES for 21 days. I also plan to workout for 21 days straight without break, Yes even on Saturday and Sunday. Extreme...please not as extreme as eating yourself to death. It surely isn't nearly as extreme as having a stroke because of high blood pressure or losing a limb because of diabetes. This is my life I'm talking about, extreme is all I have left. Wish me LUCK!

SHED

Ahhhhh!!!! The journey has begun. My destination is in sight and for the first time in a long time I am hopeful. I can do this! This time last week (New Year's Day), I woke with a heavy heart, barely able to control my grief. The change I prayed for the night before was causing me great discomfort. My life was beginning to shift and I was being forced to adjust.

God is grooming me. January 1, he stripped me down and made me stand in the mirror and really look at myself and my life. Then the questions came. Who are you? I don't know anymore. Are you happy? No! What are you going to do about it? PRAY, FIGHT, CHANGE!

Then came the tears, and they fell until there were no more. It was a cleansing of my soul and I felt weak but somehow stronger. Strong enough to let go. Let go of a bad relationship that I had been holding on to for far too long, 50lbs. Strong enough to admit I needed to ask my friends and family for help, 25lbs. Strong enough to forgive myself and everyone and everything I believe brought me to this point; forgive, walk away and move forward 75lbs. The weight of unhappiness and unfulfillment has been weighing me down. Causing me to overeat and under live. As I continue to forge ahead on my journey, I plan to shed not only the physical weight that plaques my body but the mental weight that plaques my mind and my spirit.

You see I prayed for a Phabolous Life....360 degrees of complete happiness, Bliss. I don't want to simply look Phabolous, I want to be Phabolous. Beginning with a Phabolous relationship with God. I want to walk in my purpose and discover a phabolous new career. I want to fall in love...with me and carry on a life long love affair with myself. I want to love myself to health. I want to live a life that will be remembered long after I am gone, a life that even others will regard as Phabolous!

Weighing In

For as long as I can remember I have been a thick, full figured, plus size girl. During my formative years I was considered "big for my age". I was taller than my peers and at least 20 pounds heavier but I was as cute as a button, so no one really made a big fuss over the extra weight I was carrying. It wasn't until my pre-teen years that I begin to realize that my weight was a problem. You know, those critical years when your sense of self is developed, your self esteem is forged and your confidence is either built or broken. That's when society decided to tell me that the extra pounds I had carried my entire life were no longer cute and I needed to rid myself of them before my weight got out of control.
Soon after I was pushed (kicking and screaming) into the lovely community known as "highschool", where clicks and labels are created and only a SLIM few make the cut. I was quickly catagorized as FAT. Don't get me wrong my highschool years were okay. I was funny, smart and still cute as a button "in the face" , so I was accepted by most of my classmates and quickly settled in on a nice group of friends. Regardless I had to develop a thick skin to deal with the FAT JOKES from wanna be comedians and jokesters. But that was a long time ago, a VERY long time ago.

Over the years the thick skin has softened into self acceptance. I've become very comfortable in the skin I'm in. However, I still battle with my weight daily, trying different diets, joining several weight loss programs and gyms (wasting my money) but the need to be THIN is no longer there. I come from a long line of full figured Divas. Woman that are confident, well put together and very attractive. Phabolous!


                  Is it possible to be PHAT and still be considered PHABOLOUS?


                                                                         *Sticky Note*
Right now there are several skinny chicks reading this blog shaking their pretty little heads in the negative and to them I say.... Go have a snack and get back to me when you realize that True Beauty comes in many different shades and sizes.


As for the rest of you I say Yes, it is very possible to be Phat and Phabolous. It's all about where you feel comfortable. I've seen Phabolous divas strutting their stuff at a size 12 or a size 26/28. You betta ask about them!!! Because they are definitely out there. Now for me...I believe I'm at my best at about a size 18/20 or even a 22 (Straight not stretch, LOL! That stretch is a trick of the devil). Anyway these are sizes I haven't seen in a while.


Which brings me to my next objective: I will commit myself to a healthier lifestyle in 2010. I need to lose some weight, develop a exercise regiment and start taking more stock in the fact that I'm getting older and I want to be Phabolous at 50 and 60.


The Plan: Well I'm already a member of Weight Watchers, so I can track my weight and I have a gym membership that I plan to ACTUALLY use this year. All I ask is that everyone keep me lifted in constant prayer, because I love sweets and I have gym allergies that are flaring up as I type. WTH!


Again I am not trying to be Thin, that is not the goal. My goal is to Look good and Feel good from the inside out. Loving me enough to know when Change is necessary.