Here We Go AGAIN

Here I am again. This is the way it goes down EVERY TIME. I start out the gate running full speed ahead, ready to conquer the world. I feel invincible, unstoppable and determined. This is it! This time around I’m going to show all the nay sayers and haters that didn’t believe in me that I could do it. I'm going to prove once and for all that once I set my mind to it I was able to achieve everything I said I would.
That’s in the beginning, when the fire is hot and my mind and will are aligned. That was back in January, when anger, hurt and passion were fueling my ambitions and I wanted more than anything to come out on top. That was before the work began. Once reality set in and I realized the amount of work that needed to be done in order for change to occur, the Old Lisa stepped in. And I have been in a mental fist fight with her ever since. I’m puzzled as to how this happens to me. Almost without warning, one morning I wake up and all the zest and zeal is gone. I am back in that place of self doubt and confusion. Asking why me Lord, why me? Why can’t I have success? Why does it come so easy for some yet so hard for me? Am I not worthy? What have they done that I am not doing? Why is life so easy for them? BLAH. BLAH! BLAH! You know….whoa is me! Whoa is ME!

The difference this time is that I recognize and am now confronting my biggest enemy, ME! I have allowed so many years to past me by. Years that could have been used productively. I’m pissed with myself for allowing the EXCUSES to get in the way. I have a thousand and one excuses as to why I haven’t done the things that I say I want to do. A thousand and one EXCUSES that amount to absolutely nothing.

I have been struggling with my weight for years; juggling the same 50 to 75 pounds. Losing it, gaining it…living with it. (SCREAMING!!!!!) I am so F**King tired of hearing my own sob story about the weight. Stop eating so damn much Lisa, workout….it’s not Rocket Science. Either lose it or accept it. But for the love of God please stop whinning about it! Then there’s school. LOL! I have been finishing school for 15 years. I should have a Double Doctrine by now. Again either finish or shut up about it. More importantly come to grips and realize that the level of my success is not determined by a Degree someone gives me but yet by the Degree of intensity I give to myself and my life. Ahhh HA!!!
And last but certainly not least is my writing, my book. This is by my biggest crime against myself. I have sat back and watched far LESS talented people publish books and achieve the very success I’ve envisioned for myself. What is that! It’s INSANITY that’s what it is! I must be out of my mind…to sit on God given talent and just allow it to waste away. I am doing myself a grave injustice.

I’ve got to get back on track. I’ve strayed away from the plan. I’ve lost sight of the vision. I’ve lost FOCUS. I thank God for allowing me to see it now instead of 3 or 4 months down the line. I refuse to bring in 2011 standing in the same spot I was in at the beginning of 2010; assuming the same position in the same posture. I promise you…NO I PROMISE MYSELF that when I toast the New Year in 2011 I will not be the same person. I will have to ID myself because I plan to be unrecognizable even to me!  Mentally, Physically and Spiritually Transformed. Phabolous beyond Recognition!