The Road Ahead

I know it's been a while since my last blog, a month to be exact. I must admit I've missed pouring my heart out to anyone who would listen. Writing is, as  it always has been, very therapeutic for me. So why stop? Life...life kinda got in the way. And I needed to step back for a minute and do some serious Soul Searching. Trying to figure out when and where I lost track of myself, my dreams, and my life in general. I find that I am very frustrated right now. Frustrated because I feel like I've wasted so much valuable time running away from myself.

I've come to the conclusion that I've never taken the time to get to know myself. I've discovered that I've followed a road and lead a journey that was not meant for me. The funny part about it is that I can't say I was given the wrong directions, I simply chose to follow the road most traveled and take the easiest route. My awakening is so surreal and sobering that I wonder why it took 38 years to arrive here.  
I'm stressed, honestly. I am financially, spiritually, emotionally and physically exhausted. The weight that I carry is just a manifestation of everything that is going on in my life. Food is my crack and right now I'm getting blazed in an effort to forget about all of the shit that is going wrong. When I'm not getting high(eating), I get pissed off. Because surely I did not do this to myself. But at the end of the day...the reality of it is, I DID IT TO MYSELF! I've lived above my means trying to Keep Up with the Jones, who by the way just filed bankruptcy, LOL! I did not nurture and protect my relationship with God. I let people into my life that were not good for me and I did not take care of me...period. WOOSHHH!
Now here I stand 38 years old, finally pulling out my Life Map, seeing the need to make a U turn, letting go of most of the baggage I've acquired along the way, and heading straight for the Starting Line. Yes the starting line! So surreal...yet so refreshing. I feel like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders. I've made some really tough decisions. Decisions that are going to change my life dramatically for the better. From the outside looking in it may seem like I am regressing and I'm fine with people thinking what they want to think. That has been my problem for too many years; worrying about what other people think. People that are more than likely in the same situation, looking for a way out.  So let them call it regressing. I call it De-Stressing. Letting go of the unnecessary so I can find peace and move forward.

How liberating it is to Discover yourself...how Phabolous to realize that even at 38 you can begin again. I'm still pissed because I wish my awakening had come sooner. But they say 30 is the new 20 so I guess I'm only 28.
So funny because in January when I started this blog all I really wanted was to look phabolous. You know, wear the right belt with the right bag. I never thought for one minute my greatest PHAB FIND would be my peace of mind.